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Saturday, 14 May 2011

Big Trouble In Little China

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5BvtugF79c

Yeah, more of me spunking all over John Carpenter. But I don't care. The man played a massive role in my crucial developmental years. So, this is just one of my favourite songs from a JC movie with some nice pictures from Big Trouble In Little China.

"It's all in the reflexes." That's what Jack Burton says. He demonstrates those reflexes here, catching a bottle destined for his face. Wang says he couldn't cut the bottle in half because his Chi is all out whack but I think he's just talking bullhonkey. Who the hell bets $1,148 x2 on being able to chop a bottle in half? It seems like something one of my Uncles would do after eighteen or so pints.


Eeee! Lo pan! Eight foot tall roadblock with light coming out of his mouth some of the time, scary old man the rest of the time. When I was young, this scene was one of the scariest things I'd ever seen. Then I saw a giant floating testicle covered with eyes, and nothing was ever the same.

It's like something out of Zelda, no?


Knife to the forehead! Take that, Lo Pan! You evil dickhead. Jack's reflexes once again save the day, this time after Lo Pan's pathetically inept attempt at a knife throw. It seems he isn't all that without the shock and awe of light coming out of his mouth.


"Dude, It's like... Two guys fighting, mystically and shit. Lo Pan and Egg Shen's powers, like, animated into a scene from classical Chinese mythology."


This guy, who was clearly the inspiration for Raiden from Mortal Kombat, spends 95% of his time showing off his cool powers of electricity manipulation instead of just frying people up. Him and the other henchman who inflates himself to death are prime examples of the need to pick your henchmen properly. It's all well and good having these awesome powers, it's another thing entirely to apply them judiciously.


*NOTE: I have no idea why blogspot decides sometimes to alter the size and font of the lettering on a whim. Maybe because it's not very good.* 

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Thoughts On... Fist Of The North Star

Thoughts On... Fist Of The North Star

Ah, Fist of the North Star. The first anime I ever saw. Sleeping on the floor of a friend's bedroom at the age of thirteen, I was blown away by the graphic violence and terrible voice acting. Whilst the smell of lad might have been permeating the room that night, it was the sensory overload of 'Fist..' (abbreviated for double-entendre dirtiness) was the overwhelming experience of that sweaty night. Whilst I would go on to see more beautiful animation, (Studio Ghibli, I'm eyeballing you here) and better done violence (Ninja Scroll, Vampire Hunter D etc.) I never found another film that feels like Fist Of The North star. For example, in no other film have I ever seen a man punch a spherical indentation into someone else's forehead:

Oooh, me brains!

Another thing that's pretty cool is the fact that Ken regularly fights people who are at least ten feet tall, and they only get bigger as the film goes on:
Fuck reality!

The film begins with a voiceover, an old man talking about the “delicate balance of ying and yang”, “Chaos and Order” and so on. He says, quite matter of factly, that “On Earth, this balance was disrupted by a Nuclear holocaust.” Yep, that'll do it. We then get plunged into the desolate realm of Earth today. Everything is all ruined, dusty vistas. Ken travels with his lover Julia, who carries 'The seeds of new life' or some such shit. It's a bag of seeds. But she insists on being all mystical about it, crying later on when she thinks her precious seeds are lost forever. But yeah, they are soon set upon by Shin, Ken's onetime friend and 'Fist of the South Star'. Surrounded by his heavies, Shin goes on about how Julia is his now because he's the strongest. All Darwinian like. Ken's doesn't like this one bit. So the two do battle. Well, I say 'Battle'. It's more that they jump through the air once and then Ken's limbs explode:
Arghhh, Me limbs!

Shin then proceeds, after earlier stating 'I don't want to hurt you, but I will if it's necessary.', to really unnecessarily hurt Ken by pushing his fingers slowly into Ken's body. In a way that is not at all sexual.
Unngh...

Thrown into a canyon by two men who watch the scene from afar (And who, it transpires, are Ken's brothers), Ken is left for dead. But he isn't really dead, though. That would be rubbish. Shin walks off with Julia, on to a life of Shin's awkward rebuttals of sex with Julia because 'He's tired' or because 'He's clearly gay.'

Ken returns to aid two kids who are getting smacked around by some biker punks. One of the kids is a little girl called Lynn who is a mute. She saw her parents get killed or something and took the patented film coping mechanism of stopping talking. But that's not all, she also has some kind of ESP thing going on, which alerts Ken to her plight. He appears at first as a big old shit monster, casually smashing up buildings to show hard and cool he is:

After he's beaten everyone up. He goes back with the two youngsters to the ramshackle community where they live and cuts off his beard. After another attack, Ken journeys out into the wasteland to try and find his Julia. The villagers don't want him to go – probably because they are tired of constantly getting their asses kicked and being murdered, but Ken offers some vague re-assurance that he'll be back and carries on his way.

Now the film cuts and introduces a few more characters. It's not too hard to keep up but by this point you know that invested and sustained attention to plot is not what this experience is about. It's about watching various outrageously dressed people make other outrageously dressed people's heads explode.

Ken makes his way to the lair of Lord Jagi, who is one of Ken's brothers from before. Jagi has a woman slave and whose brother is along with Ken to get her back. Phew. There's your obligatory up skirt pantie shot as the slave lady is pushed to the floor. Incensed by this unwarranted pantie exposure, ken does battle with Jagi. Jagi is great because he's basically the most deluded guy in all recorded history. He constantly bangs on about how powerful and great he is but is really just a big pussy.

Lord Jagi of Jagishire.

At the apex of their fight, he tries to set Ken on fire, but to no avail. What is fire to a man who has been sexually assaulted fingerwise? Ken then gives Jagi a kicking, leading to Jagi's body to explode apart in a glorious mess.

The action now moves on to following a warlord called 'Raoul', who is another of Ken's brothers. Jesus Christ, what a fucked up family. Raoul is basically invincible and rides around with his army killing anyone in sight, with a view to taking over the world. He's also another of those characters who is ridiculously huge, but then sometimes he appears more normal sized. It's almost as if the animators weren't that bothered about making this film look realistic.

There are also some Julia heavy scenes, basically still spurning Shin's advances whilst he mopes around whining about how Julia doesn't love him. This is all overtaken by Raoul turning up with army and killing everyone though, so at least Shin has his work to find comfort in.Until he gets killed.

Remember... Lather, rinse, repeat. Always... Repeat...BLEP.

The rest of the movie is essentially taken up with Ken walking really, really slowly towards the city where Raoul is killing and torturing people. Even going so far as to tie Julia to a big cross. Why? Who the hell knows? Raoul is a law unto himself.
Eventually, Ken does arrive and is naturally quite pissed off. Him and Raoul fight for about fifteen minutes, pulping each other up good and proper. Raoul at one point screams 'AHH! FUCK!' when his shoulder explodes, as they are liable to do.
After a little while, it all goes a bit DragonBall Z as both men start to generate power aura's and shoot off concentrated wads of energy all over the place. Ken get's that thing when someone is all powered up and their eyeballs go completely white:

Either that, or he was punched so hard that his eyes have rotated the wrong way.

They both end up half dead on the floor. But Raoul is the one who gets up. About to stomp on Ken's head and finish him off, the mute girl from before (now healed of her muteness) talks Raoul down with a speech about how everyone needs to work together in these bleak times. Raoul, amazingly, doesn't punt her over the nearest tall building but instead takes in her innocent words and decides, on the spot, to reform. It's just a shame that girl wasn't around when people were being crucified and murdered earlier on, but oh well, Raoul's an inconsistent guy. He'll probably be back to world domination and fratricide in a couple of weeks.

Ken does manage to heal but, for some reason I've never been able to work, Julia has disappeared and Ken wanders around some newly lush valleys, having hallucinations of her;

One too many heavy blows to the head.

All in all, Fist is a good film. Not 'good' in the classic sense but good in the way that it's enjoyable for it's flaws and not in spite of them. Plus Ken makes this noise: No matter how hard I try, I can't do it.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Peanuts for my head: The Island of Dr.Moreau

Peanuts for my head: The Island of Dr.Moreau: "My Thoughts On: The Island of Dr. Moreau Dante described 9 circles of hell. Various Chinese beliefs speak of anywhere from four to eight..."

The Island of Dr.Moreau

My Thoughts On: The Island of Dr. Moreau


Dante described 9 circles of hell. Various Chinese beliefs speak of anywhere from four to eighteen levels of fiery torment. However, whilst you are still alive, the closest thing that could probably approximate to the feeling of never-ending torment and woe of being cast down into some unintelligible, indescribable horror is The Island of Dr. Moreau.
This is not to say that there isn't some kind of perverse pleasure to be had from the film, it's just more akin to being a sado-masochist in hell than any kind of healthy, expected experience. Part of the horror is seeing so many fine actors wading their way through the crappy script, the shitty effects and their own blatant discomfort. Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, David Thewlis, Fairuza Balk, Ron Perlman. All are present (Well, physically at least) and all are sucked into Dr.Moreau's black hole of despair. (Gross.)
Marlon Brando, at this point so committed to the craft that he wore an earpiece so he could be fed his lines via radio, is the gene splicing, pontificating, sun lotion covered Doctor with Kilmer's Montgomery his adjudant. Kilmer was having a very bad time of it during the shoot as he was in the middle of a divorce. Accordingly angry at the world, Kilmer made it his personal mission to be as pissy and troublesome as possible. After getting to the set two days late and after demanding his role be reduced, he proceeded to have a spectacular falling out with director Richard Stanley, with Stanley eventually being booted of the picture after four days and replaced by John Frankenheimer. Frankenheimer stated that the only reason he wanted to do the movie was so he could work with his Idol Brando, the same reason cited by Ron Perlman. I'd wager that after wrapping, both men wished they'd just kept those warm memories of On the Waterfront and Streetcar.

As it is, the film kicks off with Thewlis' Edward Douglas adrift at sea after a plane accident. Eventually picked up by Kilmer's boat, who's on his way back from some trip to the mainland. After some TLC, Douglas is forced to disembark on Moreau's island after he is warned that the ship's captain has a bit of an eye for some Thewlis. Taken back to the compound, Douglas soon runs into Aissa (Fairuza Balk) who is Moreau's 'Daughter'. She runs away as Kilmer approaches and after Douglas remarks that she's beautiful, Val remarks 'Yeah, she's a pussycat.' (Har Har Har, it's a joke and foreshadowing all rolled into one! GET IT?!)
Anyway, after some snooping Douglas witnesses one of the good Doctor's creatures giving birth in a laboratory and, as clumsy as people trying to be quiet in films are, is heard and chased by more beasties. Eventually taken to the 'Sayer of the Law' (Ron Perlman), Douglas listens to the Sayer's sermon which basically lays out the humanity in the hybrids as their godliness and the animalistic as their debased, sinful side. Ron Perlman, playing a character without the use of his sight, wore contacts that rendered him blind, so as to really get into the character of what appears to a half-man, half-lion. (Those wise old lions.) As a bonus, it'd also spare him having to witness a lot of the 'acting' that was going on as well.
So far, so bad. But ho hum, Brando's about to appear so it might be alright.

Oh. My. God.

Yep. Marlon Brando makes his BIG entrance and he looks like... Well, I can't really say. I have never seen anything like it before or since. He's just marlon Brando. But nuts. Brando's Moreau has a sort of soft, lilting English accent which only really adds to his oddness. He also seems to be wearing dentures and this kind of detracts from any wisdom or insight that he might have and just makes him seem like even more of a fruity weirdo, if that's at all possible.

Then, back in Moreau's study/lounge, the doctor and Douglas discuss just what the hell is going on in this topsy turvy place. He presents his 'children' to Douglas:

He should have made more daughters.

Dr. Moreau also has a mini-me, who clearly freaks the everloving shit out of Douglas and probably would any other sane person. One thing that the film is good for is brilliant unintentional comedy moments. Upon seeing this little fellow (And in light of the fact that Douglas says he is a UN negotiator) he shouts and points 'Look at these people! Look at Him!'

No, thank you.

You can only imagine his skill when he gets the Israelis and the Palestinians around a table. When the little pink man tries to shake his hand, Douglas responds thusly:

Pretty much my facial expression through this whole film.

After Douglas displays all the tact and nuanced questioning tactics of a seasoned negotiator; 'Did it ever occur to you that you might have totally lost your mind?' 'This is positively Satanic.' etc and so forth, everyone breaks for a while before dinner at eight. Dinner is preceeded by Moreau and the little pink man playing a duet on the piano, which is made even more bizarre by Moreau and his companion both sporting long, white du-rags. After which they break out a couple of 40's and get silly. After that part that didn't really happen, they all sit down to dinner and one of Moreau's boys reads a poem by Yeats called 'The Second Coming', which discusses feelings of desolation with the world in it's current state and feelings of apprehension at what the future will hold. This could be either an allegory for the Doctor's withdrawl from the world and his god complex or as more foreshadowing of when the island will descend into bloody chaos. Moments of highfalutin' discourse like this are peppered through the film and make it even more obvious that the script was pulled in various directions by it's many writers, with Brando even re-writing some of the script himself and Thewlis admitting he re-wrote his own lines. Mostly though, the film is wrenched more in the direction of action-chase sequences and oddly numbing, beastly violence. Rather than any kind of meditation on ethics or the thoughts Wells had of the ultimately animalistic nature of man and the implications of rapid scientific advancement, we get Val Kilmer trying to do an impression of Marlon Brando but sounding like he's got a severe sinus infection. It doesn't help the scene that Thewlis is making no attempt to stifle his laughter. Presumably the laughter of a man driven mad by the combined psycho powers of Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando.

And you thought it couldn't get any worse.

Following an inevitable uprising, Moreau is torn limb from limb and everything truly goes to shit. The tenuous hold the doctor had on his creations gone and without their inhibiting serum, the beasts soon start to revert to their animal instincts.
Things aren't helped by a scene that heightens the creepy o-meter from 'Mild' to 'I want to go home and cry in the shower.' Now in a mental realm somewhere beyond our nearest star, Kilmer's Montgomery holds a sort of sweaty orgy rave for the rapidly regressing beasts and plies them all with mind bending drugs. What could go wrong?! Well, after five, what I imagine were very uncomfortable and confusing minutes for the extras dressed as manimals, Montgomery is killed by Moreau's evil son. Thewlis and Balk come steaming in and after a lot of comedy hissing and miaowing from Balk, both are subdued, with Balk's Aissa summarily hung for being her Father's favourite.
The creatures, now in control, soon turn on one another as one Hyenaman deems himself a god and is convinced by Thewlis that there must be a 'Number One God'. Slaying all his heavies, Hyenaman is also shot and after a beating from those still loyal to their dead master, walks into Moreau's burning house, shouting 'Father... WHHHYY?', just like a really shoved in your face religious parable.

Douglas leaves the island behind, safe in the knowledge that the benevolent Sayer of The Law will guide the remaining creatures to some kind of peaceable existence. Over a montage of people brawling in the streets, war, murder and so on, Thewlis narrates a monologue about how he sees the beast in all men and goes onwards, homewards in fear blahblahblehbleh. You know, just to really nail the message home.

After completion, David Thewlis declined to attend the premiere and says he has never seen the film as it was such a bad, painful experience. A decision which neatly mirrors the mindset the character his is based on in HG Wells' book - Edward Prendick, who fakes having no memory of his year on the island because it was so horrifying. Interviewed at Cannes in 1997, Thewlis had this to say about it:

Well, The Island of Dr Moreau wasn't very good, was it? I remember the day Brando turned round to me and said this was the craziest thing he'd ever been involved in and I thought, if this is the craziest thing Brando has been involved in, then fuck me...”

Escape from New York Shizz

The first post. And I'm going to make it a frivolous, disjointed effort about Escape From New York. With Kurt Russell being basically my favourite actor and John Carpenter my favourite director, it just seemed to make sense. I'm not going to bother with a full blown review but rather concentrate on some of the smaller points of interest surrounding the film. (Which basically means I'm tired and can't write anything coherent.) There's a little linkola that'll play the theme from the movie, so that can be listened to whilst reading. Or you can just turn it off after a minute when it starts to get annoying.


It Begins!
When film posters made your pubic hair grow a little bit faster.



Yeah, that's right. They made a board game. Some crazy, wild hearted bastard at TSR boardgames took a chance and threw the dice. I'm not sure how you could re-create the heady thrills of the film in your living room, with your racist Uncle and your Grandma goading you to get your hair cut, but I found this summary for the game:

'This modest board game, based on the John Carpenter movie, casts each player as Snake Plissken, an ex-con sent on a rescue mission into a giant prison once known as New York City. Players begin with weapons and equipment cards used to help fight enemies and find clues. Cards can be lost in fights or gained at landmark spaces. Turn in matching clue cards at the corresponding location to rescue the president or his important tape. To escape, you still need to find a glider or a map to the mine fields.
Fans of the movie will enjoy the chance to encounter Slag, Brain, Cabbie, Maggie, the Duke, and Romero with the opporutnity to gain them as allies during the game. Players win by obtaining the Tape first and foremost, failing that - the President himself. The game is very faithful to the movie and players will find that they can mirror many scenes of the movie in the game.'
Finally, a chance to say to your Grandmother; “I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president.” 

I'm glad the tape has 'The Tape' written both on and underneath it. I thought it was an orange when I first looked at it.


The bank robbery that puts Snake in the clutches of the government. It's a pretty cool scene with a nice flowing single take opening. I can understand why they cut it for reasons of brevity but I'd quite like it in some 'Director's Cut' doo bob:

I'm know there's a lot more Escape from New York esoterica out there; You got your comic books, quilt covers, Plissken head Lampshade etc but this guy actually made a Snake action figure by hand:

Which leads you into gawping at all the other amazing stuff he's made: